Sex is expressed largely in scripted ways until we learn to identify our own unique eroticism and diversify how we express it. We may repeat the same patterns again and again until we reach an acknowledgement of personal boredom and a sense of agency in learning new ways of expressing. For many, the boredom is easy to identify, but the agency requires radical ownership of one’s body and a willingness to deconstruct one’s own preferred self-image.

Fantasy provides a map of exactly what we need to emotionally engage in sexual behavior. Unfortunately, we have not been assisted along our developmental paths in discovering how our emotions significantly inform our desires. The vast majority of us have learned that sex is a function of objects and their acquisition rather than a reciprocal act built upon emotional revelation through the language of our bodies.

In our relationships, fantasies can be enormous assets to discover how to open up more in partnership as well as in our own erotic natures. So many men fall into a script with each other, leaving the rest to seize them in their dreams, longings, and shadows. Some feel guilty for fantasizing while with a partner. Some secretly horde a collection of fantasies that are never revealed to the other partner. We take hold of the power of our unconscious if we are brave enough to reveal ourselves and co-create an authentic erotic narrative: a unique feature of each relationship, unlike any other possible narrative “out there” somewhere.